Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Friday, October 9, 2009
Usually I try to find the humor in things, but I can't even find a sliver of haha in this. I'm so disappointed in myself. I don't want to go on this way, and it's so hard without having someone to do it with me. I can't let that be my reason for not following through. I'm so close to that breaking point, I'm ready to throw my hands in the air and say, "Jesus, take the wheel". Ok, I couldn't resist that one. In all seriousness though, I'm ashamed. I feel like I'll never be good enough. I want to be. I have to start again.
Tomorrow it is. I'm going to get to where I want to be so I can have the life that I know I deserve. Please believe in me and have faith in me. I need all the believing and faith I can get... I don't know if mine alone is enough.
Monday, June 15, 2009
I think it's hilarious that the one day I'm ready and rarin' to go, we have an office lunch meeting and they order like 300 pizzas. So everyone ate pizza, but I was strong! Grilled chicken and cottage cheese... haha. Sounds gross, but I know it was better for me. I resisted tons of temptation today. I went grocery shopping after work and bought all sorts of good-for-me foods. I'm proud of myself, even though it's only been one day.
Sidenote: I had to skip the gym tonight, which I'm totally bummed about. At the end of the day, I went out to my car to leave work and once again, my battery was completely dead. So, had to track down a jump and then wait around at friggin' AutoZone for someone to replace my battery. This dude who replaced it was sweating bullets all over my engine, and then as he was screwing the stuff in, it sprayed sparks all over him. I tried not to laugh, but damn, it was funny.
I'm such a bitch sometimes. Oh well. At least I have my battery now. :)
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Well, I had planned to get started on my routine today. I was going to hit up the gym bright and early and feel all energized and refreshed for the rest of the day. Unfortunately, my body had other plans for me. I feel like there is a marching band in my head, and any slight sudden movement sends waves of nausea crashing over me. That's my punishment for overdoing the 'last hurrah' before getting back on track.
My best friend, her husband and I went to see my brother's band play at a bar, and apparently there was some huge 'Fireman Bar Crawl', ending at the bar we were at. Needless to say, it was jam-packed with firemen and their drunken buddies and significant others. We were seated at a table front and center, so we got a front-row view of all those classy ladies in their high-high heels and their short-short dresses dancing the night away (and sloshing their drinks all over the place in the process) while desperately trying to convince the band that HEY! OMG! They know the words to this song too, so can they get up there and sing it with them? Of course the response is a resounding 'hell no' (in a nicer way, but not much nicer - keep in mind that everyone was drunk). Anyway, all that oh so classy business aside, it was a fun night. There were bagpipes. Lots of bagpipes. Yeah, I don't know either. But it was interesting, nonetheless.
To make a long story short (too late for that, sorry), I'm far more hungover than I planned on being, therefore making my trip to the gym today a baaad idea, unless I get struck with the urge to hear gym attendants calling out 'Cleanup on Aisle Arc-Trainer!' as I slink out the front door in quiet embarassment.
Anyway, tomorrow is the day. I'm starting on a strict low carb diet (less than 20 per day) and hitting the gym after work. Wish me luck!
Saturday, June 13, 2009
All things considered, I am a relatively happy person. See that picture over there? That's me. Happy. I recently turned twenty-five years old and I have a good job, amazing friends, and a loving and supportive family. I consider myself fairly intelligent, I have a great (yet slightly warped) sense of humor, and I’m probably one of the nicest people you’ll meet. One thing I didn’t mention – I’ve been struggling with a weight problem for most of my life. Not a small weight problem, mind you. I’m definitely not one of those girls having an off-week where her size eight jeans are a little too snug. In fact, I’d KILL to be one of those girls… because that would mean I could actually fit into a pair of size eight jeans in the first place. I’m pretty sure I haven’t worn anything even remotely close to a size eight since I was about eight years old! Okay, perhaps that’s a slight exaggeration – but not by much.
Basically, I have been some form of overweight since I was about seven years old. I was pretty well-accepted throughout elementary school. I had a good number of friends and never really had to deal with any teasing - with the exception of a boy named Tom. One day while we were lined up to go outside for recess, he thought it would be funny to announce to the class that I looked like I was carrying a basketball under my shirt. To this day, I remember the embarrassment I felt as he said it – my face getting heated, cheeks turning red as a few of his friends turned to look and laugh. Kids can be cruel, even in first grade. All things aside, that stuff didn’t happen very frequently… if they did, I’ve done a hell of a good job of mentally blocking them out.
Once I hit middle school I started realizing a bit more seriously that I wasn’t like the others, at least not appearance-wise. I was always well-dressed, but I wasn’t wearing the super cute fashions that the other girls my age would wear. On ‘buddy picture’ day, I had to wear a horrible lime-green patterned t-shirt when my two other buddies wore blue tank tops, because I never wore tank tops since my arms were too fat. While the other girls started getting boyfriends, I just had countless unrequited crushes who a) didn’t realize I existed, or b) just considered me one of the boys. This continued over the next three years. I made up for my insecurities by throwing myself into as many clubs and groups as I could. I was a proud member of the NJHS, Student Council (I was always an honorary representative since I was never ‘cool’ enough to be elected an officer), Advanced Chorus, Drama, and so on. Thanks to Chorus I became friends with a handful of kids that ended up becoming pretty popular later on in our school careers, which earned me a slight boost on the ladder, just by association. I also got all of the solos in Advanced Chorus, which got me a decent amount of recognition. My voice became what I was known for. I’ll admit, that was pretty cool… but I wanted so much more.
Once I hit ninth grade it got worse. I was frustrated with the fact that I couldn’t fit into the pretty and stylish and trendy clothes that all the girls were starting to wear. I turned into a total tomboy. I wore wide-legged jeans and button-up shirts that were purchased in the guys’ department at JCPenneys. I actually had a brown sweater vest I was crazy about; I liked to wear it over this blue and white checkered button-up short sleeved shirt. Imagine my embarrassment when one day, a boy got onto my bus wearing the exact same thing. Yeah - not something you want to go through - especially on a bus full of mean and spiteful high school kids. After that, I started trying to dress a bit more feminine, but it was so hard to find anything stylish for a girl my age and size. I was forced on various different diets and tried all sorts of diet pills, none of which ever worked. Once again, in my attempts to try to fit in, I was heavily involved in Chorus and Drama. I made tons of friends through these groups, and I felt a lot more accepted than I ever did before… but I was still struggling daily with my quickly declining self-esteem. I continued being invisible to the opposite sex and I am ashamed to admit that by the end of my senior year, while most girls had already gone through multiple boyfriends, I had never been on a single date. That was depressing. I continued to gain.
I will fast-forward from my high school graduation to now. Brief overview: I dieted, I saw very little/no results, and I gave up. Dieted, saw very little/no results, and gave up. This continued for the next seven years, and here I am today – a good 150 pounds more than I’d like to be. After a failed attempt at getting approval for laparoscopic gastric bypass surgery last year (damn you, United Healthcare), I really tried to crack down and go at it hard. Once again, I dieted, no results, gave up. It’s obviously very frustrating when you aren’t losing as much as you feel you should be, and that makes it easy to think ‘Why even bother?’, and fall back into the same bad habits.
Now that you’ve got the back-story, that brings me to today – June 13, 2009. As of this date, I have decided to GO FOR IT. There is no sense in continuing to live an unhealthy and unhappy lifestyle when I can create a new one for myself with hard work and determination. It will be hard, I know that and I won’t deny it for a second. But I am going to focus on the end-result. I want to be able to work my way through this and start my life over once I’ve reached my goal.
I am using this blog as motivation and inspiration, not only for me, but hopefully for others as well. I want to share my journey. I’m going to maintain this blog and keep it updated with my routines, my goals, and my experiences as I take on this challenge. I welcome any suggestions, any questions, and certainly any topics for discussion. I want to make this as much for the readers as I am making it for myself. If you have goals, share them. Let’s do this together.
I’m finally ready, and I’m in it for the long haul. Care to join me?